Sunday, January 15, 2006

Apologies

So, I am very sorry I have not written here for a long time. My excuses will become clear as you read this long update!

The problems begin all the way back on New Year's Eve. I had made plans with the guys (Weber's parents were out of town and he'd found the key to their liquor cabinet, rock on!), because my mother was throwing her own boring party at our house. So I'm getting ready to go out, have just put on my jacket, when she rushes into the hallway and says, "Boobums! Where are you going?" And I said, "I'm going out, ma, I told you, you said I could," (and she had said I could!!!), but then she says, "no, no, no, Boobums, you have to stay, I've invited that nice girl from the supermarket just for you! The two of you can be play buddies for the evening!" And then she totally just yanks my jacket off me and marches me back into the living room to sit down!

So, okay, it wasn't what I had planned, and in the supermarket the girl had said she thought Weber was a better sociologist than me, but she was very pretty, I had thought, and it would almost be worth going on a date with her just to get mom off my back. Besides, like I always say in my books, women aren't really as intelligent or well-educated as men, so I can hardly expect her to know much about a science as complicated as sociology! Haha!

So, I'm actually beginning to look forward to seeing the supermarket girl, but seven o' clock passes, eight o' clock, nine o' clock, and there is no sign of her anywhere! So I'm sitting in my stupid living room with all my mother's friends cooing around me, thinking about how drunk all the guys must be getting on that half a bottle of Bailey's his parents have locked up, and having the worst New Year's Eve ever. Ten o' clock, still nothing. But then, finally, at eleven o' clock, the doorbell rings! I ran to the window and peeked out the curtains and it was her, the girl from the supermarket! Finally! So I go to answer the door, but my mother grabs me before I can get there. "No, Emile," she says sternly, "Anyone who arrives this late to a party doesn't deserve to be let in!" And I tell her it's the girl from the supermarket, but she just clucks and shakes her head and says that she had changed her mind, that that little harlot (she actually said harlot!!) couldn't be good enough for her Emileepoo if she was so ill-bred, and that she was probably late because she had been out galavanting with gentiles!!!! (I think she was a little drunk by now)

And then my mother bolts the door and drops the key down her bustier and storms off to the kitchen. And the doorbell rings again, and I look through the peephole and the girl is standing there looking nervous, but so beautiful in a pink dress, and she looks at her watch and then turns to walk away, and I know I have to act fast so I drop down to my knees and call to her through the letterbox, "WAIT!" She turns around and I say to her, "I'll be right out, just stay there," and then I grab my jacket and run to the front room and all my mother's friends are all still fawning over me, rubbing my bald head like I'm some kind of doll and saying, "Oh, look how grown up he looks! What a sweetheart!", and I just yank open the window and climb out as my mother runs into the room and starts screaming that I have to come back, who is going to help pass out the canap├ęs?

I grab the girl's hand and tell her to come on, and start running up the street, and I look back and through the window see all my mother's friends fumbling over her bustier trying to get the key for the front door out. But then a taxi drives past so we jump in and go to Weber's party. She smiles at me in the backseat. "That was exciting," she says sweetly, and squeezes my hand.

When we get there it's almost midnight and Weber answers the door with a tea cosy on his head and dried Bailey's encrusted all around his mouth. "DURK-MEISTER!" he yells, "Thought you weren't going to make it, man! Hey, who's the piece of ass?"

I turn to her, ready to apologise for my stupid drunk friend, but she's staring at him all of a sudden and blurts out, "Oh my God, are you Max Weber?" And he says, "Depends, baby, who wants to [belch]?" And she just falls into his arms and starts purring something about how much she loved the Protestant Ethic. So I'm all alone, again, at midnight, and end up having to kiss Weber's ugly sister. About one o' clock Weber kills the music and climbs up on the coffee table and yells out "Okay, everybody out!" (and he flails his arm towards the supermarket girl, whose dress is half off already) "My new friend Christine here is verstehen the night, and we want some privacy!" Everybody laughs, and I just grab my coat and leave.

And as if that wasn't the worst New Year's Eve already, when I get home my mother is waiting up for me and grounds me for two weeks for embarrassing her in front of all of her friends, which is why I haven't posted in so long. So now you know. Now hopefully I will start to post more regularly.

Good-bye.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

My Annoying Mother!

So I found out why mom wanted me to help with the grocery shopping the other day! It turns out there is a new cashier at the supermarket who she is trying to set me up with!!

The whole walk to the store she was acting very weird, she kept asking if I had brushed my teeth and straightening my jacket and brushing dust off it. And when I asked her why she was doing those things she just smiled and said "it's nothing, boobums, you're just such a handsome boy". So we get to the store and all of a sudden she keeps pretending not to know where things are and keeps saying "Oh, be a dear, I can't see the garlic anywhere, go ask that young lady over there", and I was like "mom, we are standing right in front of the garlic, you are holding some in your hands right now," and she just smiles and says "no, boobums, it's nothing, you're just such a personable boy, go talk to the nice girl." unbelievable!!!

Eventually I had no choice but to talk to her because mom picked her checkout line to stand in, even though it was the longest line in the whole place! There were about five other guys with their mothers in front of us and they were all taking forever! So we stand there for a long time and when we get to the register finally I'm trying to act all cool about it but my mother says "this is my son, Emile, he's very personable and an important sociologist at the university". I was like thanks mom, how embarrassing. And then the girl just looks at me and goes "sociologist? You mean like that Max Weber guy?" Imagine! I just coughed loudly and told mom I would wait outside. I think she was quite angry that I didn't give her more of a chance, she didn't say a word to me the whole way home, and made me carry all the groceries except the baguette which she used to hit me with every few minutes.

Parents!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Happy Hanukkah

So at sundown Hanukkah started. Marx called to wish me a Merry Christmas, which I know he did to annoy me because after he sent me a Christmas card last year I sat him down and made it clear that I was Jewish. Oh well, he is a protestant anyway so he will probably kill himself soon and then who will be laughing? Hahaha!

I spent the day with my family. Mom made her famous potato latkes and as usual they were v. v. good and I ate far too many. It wouldn't have been so bad except that I was supposed to be lighting the menorah tonight and let out such a huge belch while I was doing it that I actually blew out the candle and had to light it again. Oops! My parents were annoyed at first but then we all saw the funny side of it and had a good laugh. LoL>

Okay, so now I have to go to sleep, it is late and tomorrow I am going to help mom with grocery shopping. I don't know why she wants me to help, she carries groceries home by herself every week! She is so annoying sometimes!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Testing

Um, hello, this is my 'blog'. I am quite new to this so I hope I will not bore you too much.

This is only a test post so that I can see whether or not my 'blog' is working.

Good-bye.