Sunday, January 15, 2006


So, I am very sorry I have not written here for a long time. My excuses will become clear as you read this long update!

The problems begin all the way back on New Year's Eve. I had made plans with the guys (Weber's parents were out of town and he'd found the key to their liquor cabinet, rock on!), because my mother was throwing her own boring party at our house. So I'm getting ready to go out, have just put on my jacket, when she rushes into the hallway and says, "Boobums! Where are you going?" And I said, "I'm going out, ma, I told you, you said I could," (and she had said I could!!!), but then she says, "no, no, no, Boobums, you have to stay, I've invited that nice girl from the supermarket just for you! The two of you can be play buddies for the evening!" And then she totally just yanks my jacket off me and marches me back into the living room to sit down!

So, okay, it wasn't what I had planned, and in the supermarket the girl had said she thought Weber was a better sociologist than me, but she was very pretty, I had thought, and it would almost be worth going on a date with her just to get mom off my back. Besides, like I always say in my books, women aren't really as intelligent or well-educated as men, so I can hardly expect her to know much about a science as complicated as sociology! Haha!

So, I'm actually beginning to look forward to seeing the supermarket girl, but seven o' clock passes, eight o' clock, nine o' clock, and there is no sign of her anywhere! So I'm sitting in my stupid living room with all my mother's friends cooing around me, thinking about how drunk all the guys must be getting on that half a bottle of Bailey's his parents have locked up, and having the worst New Year's Eve ever. Ten o' clock, still nothing. But then, finally, at eleven o' clock, the doorbell rings! I ran to the window and peeked out the curtains and it was her, the girl from the supermarket! Finally! So I go to answer the door, but my mother grabs me before I can get there. "No, Emile," she says sternly, "Anyone who arrives this late to a party doesn't deserve to be let in!" And I tell her it's the girl from the supermarket, but she just clucks and shakes her head and says that she had changed her mind, that that little harlot (she actually said harlot!!) couldn't be good enough for her Emileepoo if she was so ill-bred, and that she was probably late because she had been out galavanting with gentiles!!!! (I think she was a little drunk by now)

And then my mother bolts the door and drops the key down her bustier and storms off to the kitchen. And the doorbell rings again, and I look through the peephole and the girl is standing there looking nervous, but so beautiful in a pink dress, and she looks at her watch and then turns to walk away, and I know I have to act fast so I drop down to my knees and call to her through the letterbox, "WAIT!" She turns around and I say to her, "I'll be right out, just stay there," and then I grab my jacket and run to the front room and all my mother's friends are all still fawning over me, rubbing my bald head like I'm some kind of doll and saying, "Oh, look how grown up he looks! What a sweetheart!", and I just yank open the window and climb out as my mother runs into the room and starts screaming that I have to come back, who is going to help pass out the canapés?

I grab the girl's hand and tell her to come on, and start running up the street, and I look back and through the window see all my mother's friends fumbling over her bustier trying to get the key for the front door out. But then a taxi drives past so we jump in and go to Weber's party. She smiles at me in the backseat. "That was exciting," she says sweetly, and squeezes my hand.

When we get there it's almost midnight and Weber answers the door with a tea cosy on his head and dried Bailey's encrusted all around his mouth. "DURK-MEISTER!" he yells, "Thought you weren't going to make it, man! Hey, who's the piece of ass?"

I turn to her, ready to apologise for my stupid drunk friend, but she's staring at him all of a sudden and blurts out, "Oh my God, are you Max Weber?" And he says, "Depends, baby, who wants to [belch]?" And she just falls into his arms and starts purring something about how much she loved the Protestant Ethic. So I'm all alone, again, at midnight, and end up having to kiss Weber's ugly sister. About one o' clock Weber kills the music and climbs up on the coffee table and yells out "Okay, everybody out!" (and he flails his arm towards the supermarket girl, whose dress is half off already) "My new friend Christine here is verstehen the night, and we want some privacy!" Everybody laughs, and I just grab my coat and leave.

And as if that wasn't the worst New Year's Eve already, when I get home my mother is waiting up for me and grounds me for two weeks for embarrassing her in front of all of her friends, which is why I haven't posted in so long. So now you know. Now hopefully I will start to post more regularly.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you really have some issues. Quite a tale though...

11:04 PM  
Anonymous オテモヤン said...


7:10 PM  
Blogger rachel chan said...

Emile! That's a very long break! Come back and post, don't let that Weber guy overtake you.

3:29 AM  

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